Moving On
by Bellatlas
Summary: Four days after the events of Malachor, Ezra still refuses to sleep. Kanan has a chat with him to figure out why.
It's the middle of the night for the Ghost crew… or so Kanan is told. The dim lights that used to signal him to sleep no longer exist, and the only sign of night is the eerie and unnatural quiet of the ship. Totally silent.

Well, _almost_ totally silent. If Kanan listens really closely, he can hear a soft clinking- a spoon stirring inside of a mug.

More slowly than he'd wish, Kanan makes his way out to the common area, tracing his fingers along the wall as a guide. He's a bit disappointed in himself that he needs to feel his way down the halls. He's spent so much time in the _Ghost_ over the years, that he thought he'd be able to find his way around without help by now. Of course, he knows where everything is, knows which turns to take, but there are some things he just keeps missing: misjudging the length of hallways, misjudging how far the table sticks out, forgetting about the railing.

He gets to the common room without too much trouble, though, not needing sight to know who is there. "Hey, Ezra."

The clinking stops. "Hey."

Kanan sighs, feeling his way towards the bench seat that Ezra is on. After a moment, he feels Ezra's gloved hands guide him down.

"Thanks." Kanan doesn't get a reply back from Ezra, but it could just be that he nodded, forgetting that Kanan wouldn't be able to see it. There has been plenty of that lately.

"Is that caf?" Kanan asks, jutting his chin towards where he heard the clinking mug coming from just a minute before.

"Yeah," Ezra replies, voice gritty and cracking at the end. Kanan can't tell if he's just at that age where his voice is starting to crack, or if it's exhaustion speaking. He thinks the latter is the case.

"You promised me you'd finally get some sleep tonight, you know." The cushion next to Kanan shifts at this, and he wishes he could see what Ezra is doing. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry; I tried." Exhaustion, it's definitely exhaustion in Ezra's voice.

"You _tried?"_ Kanan chuckles and puts a hand on Ezra's shoulder (and he's actually pretty proud of himself for being able to correctly judge exactly where said shoulder is) just in time to feel Ezra curl in on himself, as if trying to make himself smaller. "Ezra, you're drinking _caf_ to keep yourself awake. What's really going on? Was it a nightmare?"

Kanan feels Ezra's shoulder rise and fall beneath his hand in a shrug. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Ezra sighs. "I'm fine. You can go back to bed."

"I've got nothing better to do," Kanan says, smirking. It was meant to lighten the mood, but doesn't seem to be helping. Now that there's an absence of light, Kanan has had more than a little bit of trouble regulating his sleeping schedule, and is now wide awake while the rest of the crew is asleep. "C'mon, Ezra, talk to me. What happened in your nightmare?"

 _"Nothing!"_ Ezra shouts with a sudden and uncharacteristic amount of force. The smirk fades from Kanan's face and he slowly removes his hand from Ezra's shoulder, folding it in his lap instead. "Nothing! I never had a nightmare! I never even went to _sleep!_ I…" his voce trails off. "I… I'm sorry. I'm making this about me."

Suddenly, there's a shift and a warm weight is against Kanan's side: Ezra. He's not exactly leaning into him, but he's scooted much closer: looking for comfort? _Offering_ comfort, perhaps? Either way, Kanan throws an arm around his padawan, pulling him closer, and feels the muscles in Ezra's shoulders and back relax slightly.

"It's okay," Kanan says gently. "It's hard for you, too." There's a pause where they both just sit there, taking things in, before Kanan decides to breach the subject of Ezra's refusal to sleep again. "You know, it would probably be a bit _easier_ if you talked to me about whatever's wrong… It doesn't even have to be me. It could be Hera, or Sabine."

"I don't even _know_ what's wrong." Ezra moves his arms, and Kanan's pretty sure that he's covering his eyes, though there's no way for him to know without asking.

A small pit of anxiety settles into the base of Kanan's stomach. He doesn't want to push Ezra, but he also doesn't want the poor kid getting sick from lack of sleep, either. Plus, Kanan doesn't like- _can't stand_ \- feeling like he's the reason Ezra is going through this. He needs to at least _try_ to fix it.

"Think you could _try_ explaining it?"

Ezra sighs, but doesn't get upset. "I dunno. It's just… if I go to sleep, before I know it, it'll be _tomorrow."_

Kanan frowns, not quite following. "Tomorrow is going to come whether you sleep or not."

"I know, I know." Kanan feels Ezra tense, growing frustrated with his lack of ability to voice what he's feeling. Even during the brief moments when Ezra doesn't block out their bond, Kanan can't quite wrap his head around the kid's emotions. There's the unmistakable guilt and anger, sure (something that they _will_ be tackling in the coming days), but there's something more.

"If I don't go to sleep," Ezra tries again, "it doesn't _feel_ like tomorrow- It feels like one really long day, rather than a new one."

"Is there something _wrong_ with a new day? It's a fresh start."

"Exactly! I don't _want_ a fresh start. Is… is this making _any_ sense to you?"

"I-" Kanan's eyebrows furrow in thought. The movement pinches the skin around his eyes and he does his best not to reel back and wince around Ezra. "I'm not sure," he says finally, hoping the pain isn't too evident in his voice. "I'm not sure. I think that we could all use a fresh start right about now, don't you? It would give us all a chance to move on."

"That's the thing. I don't _want_ to move on. I mean, I _do_ , I really _do,_ but that would just feel wrong right now, and- ugh. _I don't know."_

Kanan nods slowly. "No, I think I get it."

"You do?"

"You think that a new day would force you to slowly move on. And, you need a little more time before you quite feel ready to do that. You don't want to taint a new day with Malachor… or maybe moving on would feel disrespectful to everything that happened on Malachor? Like it would lessen its value or invalidate it? Does any of that sound right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that all sounds right." Ezra's frame shakes with a dry, quiet laugh. "You're a lot better at this than I am."

"It's a gift." Kanan says, smirking. "But, on a more serious note, I need you to listen up."

"Listening."

"Good." Kanan gives Ezra's shoulder a squeeze. "Moving on won't invalidate anything that happened back on Malachor, okay? You move on whenever you need to move on, and though I _really_ hope that's soon for you, a new day isn't going to make you move on if you're not ready for that. You're free feel whatever you need to feel about what happened, no matter if it's a new day or not.

"But, everybody _else_ seems to be forging ahead and making plans for the future, so _someone_ has to remember-

"Hey-" Kanan cuts him off. "Everybody else isn't you. _They're_ feeling whatever _they_ need to feel. _You_ feel whatever _you_ need to feel. If it's moving on, then that's great, but if you need some more time to think through Malachor, that's fine, too. Move at your own pace."

"Okay… okay."

Ezra slumps again Kanan, as if a huge weight has finally been lifted off of his shoulders. "Thanks," he whispers.

"Anytime… although, I'm going to need you to hand me that cup of caf." Kanan holds out a palm for it, feeling the warm mug settle into his hand a moment later.

"O-kay. Why? I can make you your own, if you want," Ezra offers.

"Oh, no." Kanan shakes his head. "I don't want any. I just need to make sure that _you_ don'thave anymore."

"Hey!"

Kanan shrugs. "You don't have to move at the same pace as everybody else, but you _do_ have to sleep at night when everyone else goes to bed, padawan."

"Fine," Ezra grumbles begrudgingly. Kanan feels his head lean up against his shoulder, mop of hair tickling his chin.

"You're going to sleep _here?"_

"No, I'll go to my own room," Ezra mumbles, sleep all the more evident in his voice. "Just give me a minute."

Kanan smiles in spite of himself. After four days without sleeping, he knows that Ezra isn't staying awake long enough to go off to his own bed. And he's right: Ezra is fast and sleep, leaning up against Kanan, within minutes.

Kanan doesn't mind, though. He stays seated at the common room table all night, arm around Ezra, to avoid waking him up. After all, he has nothing better to do. Sitting there with his padawan sleeping peacefully in his arms for the first time in days, he doesn't imagine there _could_ be anything better.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading! If you have the time, any reviews would mean the world! ;)


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